Fine Young Women Who Kill People

Chapter Four
A trip to the fair.

Oh what fun! Quenelda asked you to attend the annual festival of healers. You picked up an elf named Bob and arrived at a beautiful plain covered with festive tents, delightful traders, music, laughter and lepers. Despite Zanzibar’s distinct lack of tact you retrieved everything on Quenelda’s shopping list; including the incense of Avandra from the kind old Dragonborn Friar Tuck and the Equatorial Boab root (which I don’t care how it’s spelled) which you spent a lot of money retrieving. You even cheated a pair of enterprising hobbits out of their gem by using secret healing spells during a battle of strength with the world’s largest skinless hobbit.

The gem was attached to a cloak so you left it with the magic seamstress for re-clasping. She charged you one ashtray as payment for the task and said you could pick it up in an hour, but you never returned because…

You managed to get into a fight to the death with some poor guy bringing people back from beyond the grave for a mere $300 a bottle. Vex declared he must be a necrophiliac – because why else would you bring people back from the dead? You weren’t sure whether to stab him or not but after Lily-Fang tried to touch his bottles he felt the need to defend his stock and he, along with all his raised-dead friends and their cavalier daughter, perished in the name of patent pending.

The bystanders were none too pleased – THIS IS A HEALERS CONVENTION!! The police arrived and after weighing up your chances of fleeing the scene without killing more innocent people you decided to come quietly.

And you never discovered the identity of those two ninjas...p. p.

Chapter Three
The Note and the Chicken

Freed from your bonds of servitude to the increasingly demanding Mayor you decided to spend Sunday morning bumming around the market like tourists. You went to a fortune teller who ripped you off (you could’ve seen that coming without a crystal ball!) and Lily-Fang tried to sell a weapon but got pissed off that the price was so low.

Eventually you noticed two rougish types staring at you through the crowd. Immediately your suspicions were raised and you sent the Elf to spy on them spying on you. You learned that they were asking questioned about “glowing eyed travelers” and, being the narcissists that they are, Vex and Zanzibar immediately assumed it was personal. The rouges were discovered to be staying at the same tavern as you so you went home to think up a cunning plan.

Some ill fated attempts at spying ensued. Lily-Fang clung to a wall for an hour hoping to overhear some spy talk. Vex dressed up as a chambermaid but the white cloth hat failed to hide her enormous horns and big black glowing eyes. Their nerves jangled, the rogues stayed in their room till nightfall, sneaking out only to buy axes and get killed by you before they could say “diplomatic immunity.”

You found an encoded note on their person which read “REWARD FOR CAPTURE OF ELADRIN” and, being the narcissist that she is, Zanzibar took it personally. The rogues were found to be members of a larger band encamped outside the borders of Little Town. This advice was paid for rather heavily by Elena who felt that sleeping with the Chicken Man was necessary to acquire it.

Once you had encountered the camp and failed to win them over with your offer of smoked fish and violence, you killed all but one of the the campsters and followed the remaining Eladrin to a portal in the woods. He got through and you didn’t.

MORAL OF THE STORY: You don’t always gotta do what you gotta do.

Chapter Two
Sentient ooze.

Upon returning with the Mayor’s Son fully intact and hydrated, your expectations of **glory and thanks were dashed by the not-unexpected news that the spider queen was in fact protecting the city from bog monsters. You really put your foot in that one. The only decent thing to do was volunteer to tackle the bog monsters before the problem grew out of hand.

The broken spell also affected a nearby Elf village and Elena the Elf was sent to ask the Mayor just what the dang heck was going on. You wasted no time enlisting her to your services.

Into the bog ye went, fighting small critters and meeting a friendly fisherman who plotted a map through the swamp… forgetting to mention the sentient ooze living in the centre. The ooze wasn’t friendly and Vex died in the bog very Irishly. Luckily you healed her back to life in time to reach the gates of the bog monster lair.

There you attempted to strike a deal with the Lizard King. He wasn’t in the mood and you all nearly got your damn selves killed by spreading out all over the lair and falling over. Napoleon would’ve been very disappointed in you! Luckily, Rosy had a bit of common sense and healed you back up in time for one last final assault. You killed off the Lizard King and left his race shattered and leaderless. Clearly the problem was solved.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Stick together, damn it!!

Chapter One
The beginnening.

An Eladrin, a Tiefling, a Hobbit and a weird werewolf thing walk into a bar…

After consulting with the breakfast-loving Mayor of the very creatively named Little Town, y’all decided to take a job chaperoning the Mayor’s son to his arranged marriage. The son seemed pretty upset about the arrangement but at the time it seemed like nothing a little pep talk and a brush with death couldn’t fix.

Along the way you met with Quenelda the Cleric who had been waylayed by wayfarers on the way to… the milky way. She used the powers of her wrathful god to assist your journey up the mountain to the home of the blushing bride.

Something about her decor (perhaps the cocoons filled with dehydrated human bodies) gave you an uneasy feeling and you didn’t hand the boy over immediately. Pretty soon you realised that the bride was in fact a gigantic spider queen sorceress intent on eating the Mayor’s son. Ain’t it always the way.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Always sleep with someone before you agree to marry them


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